SC 1/1.   CGI.   THE COSMOS.

View of star field. Swirling patterns of colour.

NARRATOR v/o

The universe in which we live is diverse beyond imagination. Here in the Milky Way we have come to understand life as autonomous interacting regions of dense matter. But there are parts of the cosmos where life has a completely different meaning - where life can be described as autonomous interacting regions of deviations in the laws of physics; deformations in the rules governing reality. These are the Slybians.

Yet `life' has similarities in these disparate parts of the cosmos: in each version one or more life forms contrive to create others, each individual passes through stages of a life cycle, and each version has rules and regulations that allow collections of lives to actively and productively coexist.

Seldom do such differing life forms come together. However, if it should ever happen it is easy to see that life based on the movement and manipulation of mere matter is at a disadvantage compared to life based on the manipulation of the fabric of the universe itself.

The Slybians, being aware that their mere existence can cause havoc with other races, and being a civilization advanced enough to care about the well being of others, have in place a police state which observes and acts against such infringements. These are the Defenders of the Laws of Physics.

CUT TO:

SC 1/2.   CGI.    THE MILKY WAY

Fried egg shaped collection of stars. Two clouds of different colour (red and green) drift towards and through the galaxy.

NARRATOR  v/o

Unfortunately for earth, it happened that one day two youthful and mischevious examples of Slybian infidel sauntered lazily through the Milky Way and happened upon a very hierarchical matter-based civilization, obviously too busy organizing themselves for their own good. Wouldn't it be fun, one thought, to see how they respond to mindless disorganization?

CUT TO:

SC 1/3.   CGI.     EARTH FROM SPACE

View of the earth as if from an orbiting satellite. Coloured clouds becoming conical, pointed end towards the planet, both moving towards the same point on the planet's surface.

NARRATOR  v/o

And so each pulled in their swirls of non-conforming fields, realized part of their energy in the form of matter, and funneled themselves down through the atmosphere of earth to its surface.

CUT TO:

SC 1/4.    EXT.   BUSY LONDON STREET.      DAY 1.   1200.

It is a warm, sunny day in the middle of June. The sky is clear and blue. There is a view of a pavement at the side of a very busy road, with a red double-decker London bus for every six cars. In the middle distance, a side road can be seen into which a bus is indicating to turn.

Two streams of colour are seen to fly into a doorway from the sky (the door itself is recessed somewhat into the building), and shortly afterwards two youths step out into the street.

FRED  - Tall and lanky youth. Caucasian but wearing brightly coloured Indian-style `pyjamas'. Looks mischevious, hair unkempt, clothes hang very loose from him.

TOM  - Average height and build. Very smart, hair scraped to the scull. Wearing a business suit. Wheeler-dealer type.

TOM and FRED are extremely laid back, and very lazy.

FRED

What a commotion! Do these people really enjoy living a life of so much wasted energy?

TOM

Such is the nature of material life forms. Let's see how we fit in.

They both step gingerly forward from the doorway, and observing a passing SHOPPER they start to walk down the street, dodging people in like manner. Both of them move in a sloppy, lanky manner, looking like a pair of drunks.

SHOPPER - Slightly overweight past middle-aged woman, two plastic shopping bags hanging low from each hand.

FRED

If only they would pass through each other, instead of playing these silly games of `shall I go left, or will he go right?'

SHOPPER looks round. TOM pokes FRED with his elbow.

CONTINUED:

SC 1/4. CONTINUED.

TOM

(QUIETLY TO FRED)

You're gonna give us away.

We must respect this idea that objects and people are physically impeded from occupying the same space. Each has its own.

Notice how they move their legs a lot, their arms a little, and keep their bodies still.

TOM and FRED stiffen their necks, straighten their backs, drop their arms straight down by their sides, and walk somewhat 'Cleesey'. They move their eyes from side to side in their sockets as they keep their faces forward.

They move to the junction further along the street. The bus turns the corner wide and very slowly (there is stationary traffic all around), but the side of the bus comes into the pavement as it turns, at the same time that TOM steps out into the road. The bus slowly pushes TOM backwards and along the side street. He kicks the bus mid-ships.

TOM

(LOOKS INCREDULOUS)

Stupid bus, can't you see I'm in this space?

The bus bows out from the corner of the junction, in a smooth curve. As Tom continues to stand out in the road, the bus rolls past him, and then straightens up. At corners of other streets, other buses can be seen to be bending as they go round, but still over-shooting because the drivers have not caught on to the new way of moving.

People all over the streets are gawping and gasping at the sight of the bending buses. There is widespread commotion.

FRED

Shit, Tom, you're not supposed to be able to do that.

TOM

Tough, that bus was giving me the hump, using my solidity to push me aside like that. Who does he think he is?

CONTINUED:

SC 1/4. CONTINUED.

FRED

Never mind, let's get out of here.

TOM grabs at the silver fuel cap from the back corner of the bus, and looks at it like a child with a new toy.

FRED grabs TOM by the clothing around his shoulder, and pulls him away.

Both TOM and FRED disappear into a crowd of gawpers, and are seen moving swiftly down the street, and around a corner, out of sight.

CUT TO:

SC 1/5.     EXT.   INSIDE NO. 25 BUS.      DAY 1    1300.

DRIVER - Very overweight, miserable-looking bored man. Stares ominously out of his window as he drives, apparently unconcerned about anything.

The DRIVER turns a corner. He looks casually in his side mirror. Surprised to see that, instead of seeing the pavement recede and return, he looks straight into the side of his own bus.

The DRIVER looks in his internal mirror. Nothing is amiss inside the bus.

The bus is half-full of passengers. There is a forty-something picking his nose. Two grannies staring forwards, smiling stupidly to themselves. A mother with two small children, one standing on the seat, leaning against the window. The other child jumping about in the aisle. The mother is trying to control him.

The DRIVER looks back in his rear-view side mirror, and wiggles the steering wheel a little. Outside the bus `serpentines', inside everything is normal.

The DRIVER moves the steering wheel more vigorously. There is no feeling of movement inside the bus.

HARD CUT TO:

SC 1/6.   EXT.    SIDE OF THE ROAD THE NO. 25 BUS IS ON.    DAY 1.   1305.

MOTHER with pram stands near kerb waiting to cross the road. She sees the bus wriggling down the road. Her mouth drops open, eyes wide.

The bus mounts the kerb. The MOTHER takes a step forward, pushing the pram into the road, in anticipation of an evasive maneouvre. Doesn't really know what to do.

The bus comes straight towards them. The MOTHER first freezes, then accepting fate steps back and goes to the far (safe) side of the pavement, leaving the pram in the road.

The DRIVER, who has been looking in his mirror suddenly sees the pram. His eyes almost pop out, and he turns the wheel hard right.

The bus passes the pram in a violent wiggle. The MOTHER watches, spellbound, helpless.

As the bus passes, the MOTHER follows it with her eye line down the street. Then she turns back to look at the pram, she can see her baby's face.

Devil music plays.

The MOTHER looks at her baby with great worry showing on her face.

CUT TO:

SC 1/7.   EXT.   QUIET SUBURBAN STREET.   DAY 1.  1315.

Two buses are approaching each other from opposite ends of the (long) street. The one at the far end moves to avoid a parked car. It wiggles.

The driver of the other bus looks amazed. He wiggles his own bus.

The driver of the first bus looks amazed. He wiggles his bus.

This scene continues with more and more exotic wiggles, until... the two buses almost collide with each other head-on.

Both drivers turn sharp left. The buses miss by inches, but because of the curvature, the front of the first bus hits the side of the second, and the front of the second hits the side of the first. The buses bounce off each other, but because of the wiggle both buses continue to scrape their entire length against the other bus. The damage is considerable.

Inside one of the buses, we see the glass falling in from the windows on one side. Passengers are scrambling everywhere.

SLOW CUT TO:

SC 1/8.   CGI.   SPACE.

Star field, with mass of clouds of different shades of blue. Moving around and within each other.

NARRATOR  v/o

While planet-wide deformations in the universal reality are of little consequence on the cosmic scale, the Slybian Defenders keep a careful watch and become alarmed by the youths' actions.

From a mass of blue interstellar cloud, two distinct shades are seen to tease away from the main cloud and move off in the same direction that the red and green clouds moved in earlier.

CUT TO:

SC 1/9.   CGI.    PLANET EARTH FROM SPACE.

The two blue ribbons are seen to head towards the planet, and descend to the surface as elongated cone shapes in the same way that the red and green ones did earlier.

CUT TO:

SC 1/10.   EXT.   ANOTHER LONDON STREET.     DAY 1.    1515.

Two blue ribbons of light are seen to come down from the sky and enter a small tent over an open manhole cover in the road. Shortly afterwards two men step out. Luckily for them, nobody has noticed.

ARTHUR  - Middle-aged gentleman. American style military camouflage jacket and trousers.

GEORGE - Wily 65 year old. Uniform of Chelsea pensioners.

Both men come sloppily out of the tent, and flop around on the road before they realize they need to act stiff.

ARTHUR

Heck, this tensioning-up callarcky's hard work isn't it?

GEORGE

Sure is, but aren't you overdoing it a little? They do bend a bit you know.

GEORGE stoops like an old man, but ARTHUR maintains a ram-rod straight back.

ARTHUR

Not in the police force on that island on the other side of the world, they don't. They all looked like this. Rigidity is rather restraining though, I must admit. How do these people manage to get their shoes on?

GEORGE

Beats me.

They both look and move around, as if practicing the rigidity thing. Cars and lorries steer around the workmen's tent as they should, but double-decker buses are bending round corners.

GEORGE

So what the heck did them two juveniles do to cause such a stir in the reality? I can't see anything amiss.

CONTINUED:

SC 1/10. CONTINUED.

People on the pavement are now standing in awe, and some of the buses, now that their drivers are starting to latch on, are moving around the streets in a serpentine fashion, seeing how many wiggles they can get into the length of their vehicles.

ARTHUR moves towards the pavement, where a crowd of young boys and girls are standing, laughing and crying. A shell-shocked TEACHER is standing by them.

TEACHER - Skinny young male, just past being a trainee. Tweed jacket with elbow patches. Casual jumper and crumpled trousers.

ARTHUR approaches TOMMY, one of the boys.

TOMMY - Nine year old, well presented kid in new clothes. Always holding a model car, usually seen playing with it.

ARTHUR

(TO THE BOY)

Hello. What is funny?

TOMMY

That bus, it's gone all wobbly! Ha ha!

ARTHUR

How should it be? Like that lorry over there?

TOMMY

(BACKS OFF ONE STEP, DISGUSTED)

Of course, stupid.

TOMMY backs away, and the TEACHER comes towards ARTHUR, now joined by GEORGE. ARTHUR is more cautious about the questions he asks now.

TEACHER

What do you want with my children?

CONTINUED:

SC 1/10. CONTINUED.

ARTHUR

Oh, nothing. I was just asking why the buses were behaving so funny. Have you any idea what is going on?

The children look encouragingly at their TEACHER. A CHILD closest to him speaks out, twinge of hero-worship in his face.

CHILD

(ADORINGLY)

What is going on sir? There's nothing you don't know, right? How are the buses bending?

TEACHER

(UNCOMFORTABLE)

It is an optical illusion being used by the bus companies to get people's attention. A publicity stunt. Come on now, kids, we have to get back to school. Hold hands. We will go this way. Excuse me, sir.

ARTHUR and GEORGE stand aside, back into the road. They watch as the small children march off in double file.

GEORGE

Fascinating. That is how these people develop. They start small, and then become larger.

ARTHUR

(LOOKS AWAY, THOUGHTFUL)

Hmmpf. So, buses are not supposed to bend eh? Sorting this mess out is not going to be easy. Re-rigidising one bus could just about be done if it is done at the exact time it achieves its curvature while going round a corner as the original bus was at when it was bent. Then we have to propagate the effect to all the other buses.

CONTINUED:

SC 1/10. CONTINUED.

A car passes closely by the two men, and sounds its horn. They jump quickly onto the pavement, while looking round, cursing the driver.

GEORGE

Yes, that would work. Another possibility would be to get all the buses on this planet into a straight position, and then rigidise them by teaching one not to bend as it goes round corners. Once one learns, they will all learn.

The two men walk off in the same general direction as the school children.

ARTHUR

Hmm... first we will have to find out if there is some place all the buses congregate together.

CUT TO:

SC 1/11.     EXT.    OUTSIDE THE CHILDREN'S SCHOOL.    DAY 1. 1600.

The children along with the TEACHER are marching, still in double file, through the school gates. GEORGE and ARTHUR are some way back, watching them as they go.

Once the kids are almost all inside the building, after having walked across the yard, GEORGE and ARTHUR approach the gate and have a good look around, and inside (using some blue-tinged magic), the school.

ARTHUR

This must be some kind of warehouse where all the little people are stored until they become bigger. They obviously group them according to their size, and put them in different storage units accordingly.

There is a room (POINTS) with a few proper people in it.

GEORGE

Yes. That is a curious device in the corner (POINTS AT A TV SET). It looks like a squashed history replay unit. Can't these people feel their own history? No wonder their lives are so, er, circular.

ARTHUR

I noticed some of those in a building on the high street. If we can access one it might provide the key to undoing the reality damage.

CUT TO:

SC 1/12.     EXT.  BUSY LONDON STREET, OUTSIDE T.V. SHOP.   DAY 1. 1630.

ARTHUR and GEORGE are standing at the large window of a television shop, watching the screens through the glass. They are intrigued and walk inside.

CUT TO:

SC 1/13.      INT.     INSIDE T.V. SHOP.        DAY 1.  1631.

Every television in the shop is tuned to the same channel. A NEWS READER is at work. A SHOP ASSISTANT notices them enter, but takes no immediate action, instead he lurks around in the background as if looking for an opening.

SHOP ASSISTANT - young, nervy. Geeky dressed (tight green suit, woolly tie).

NEWS READER - typical broadcaster. 'Jack'.

NEWS REPORTER - typical. 'Jeremy Juke'.

NEWS READER (O. O. V.)

... it appears that the phenomenon started outside Knightsbridge tube station, when a man was seen to kick a bus into a bent shape. Our man Jeremy Juke is on the scene, and reports to us now.

NEWS REPORTER (O. O. V.)

Yes Jack, I'm standing at the spot where the phenomenon seems to have started. According to police information, they say that the effect propagated away from this epicentre at a speed of about a mile a minute. This lady to my right witnessed the kick.

Tell us what you saw.

A caption on the T.V. screen names the BYSTANDER as MRS HELEN JAMES, 'eyewitness'.

BYSTANDER, a.k.a. HELEN JAMES - Young woman, looks owlish in front of the cameras. Middle age, middle class, brown eyes, brown hair.

BYSTANDER (O. O. V.)

Well, there was this really strange person, a young man wearing pyjamas. I saw his friend step out into the street, just at that corner over there, at the same time that a bus turned into this road.

As the bus turned, it pushed the man back onto the pavement (it is lucky he did not get run over), and the guy kicked the bus in anger.

CONTINUED:

1/13 CONTINUED.

It was unbelievable. The bus just bent out. If I didn't see it with my own eyes, I would never have believed it.

NEWS REPORTER (O. O. V.)

The number 56 bus, it seems, will never be the same again.

The picture on the television screen switches to an image of the number 56 bus, sitting in a bus depot. People in white coats are lining its flanks, slapping the sides and pushing here and there to try to understand the bendiness.

CONTINUED:

SC 1/13. CONTINUED.

NEWS REPORTER (O. O. V.)

I'm told by police sources that the bus is completely sound, and cannot be manually bent. Only when it is driven around a corner does the bus bend. The police tell me that one of the buses will be taken to the materials science and engineering department at Imperial College later today for further analysis.

Back to you, Jack

ARTHUR grabs GEORGE by the arm and pulls him out of the shop. The SHOP ASSISTANT in the background was just starting to come towards them.

ARTHUR

Let's go.

CUT TO:

SC 1/14.  EXT.   THE STREET OUTSIDE THE T.V. SHOP.  DAY 1. 1640.

ARTHUR

(TO GEORGE)

We're gonna have to find that number 56 bus. If we get that straight and rigid, hopefully all the others will fall into line.

GEORGE

Agreed.

They walk off down the street. Looking around at any buses that they see for the numbers.

CUT TO:

SC 1/15.   INT.     A WORKSHOP AT IMPERIAL COLLEGE.     DAY 1.  1700.

A large, spotlessly white space, like a surgical theatre except that there are heavy tools around the walls and benches.

There are two buses in the building. One is being attacked by people with angle grinders who are cutting squares out of the flanks, and then inspecting them under microscopes, bending machines, in blast furnaces.

The other bus has been completely dismantled at the front, where an intensive study of the mechanics is taking place. All of the steering apparatus is being lifted out, to be replaced with a research version.

There is also a television news crew on the premises.

A senior POLICEMAN walks in, and approaches a senior SCIENTIST.

POLICEMAN - Typical middle-aged sergeant. Tidy uniform. Slightly stressed.

SCIENTIST - White lab coat, frameless glasses, slightly thinning hair. Tall and somewhat pompous.

POLICEMAN

So, what's the story?

SCIENTIST

We're clueless on this. We can find no mechanical, material, or thermodynamic reason why the buses should be bending. When they are bent, it looks for all the world like they were designed and built that way, from solid steel.

POLICEMAN

(PAUSES FOR THOUGHT)

So we're completely defeated then?

CONTINUED:

SC 1/15. CONTINUED.

SCIENTIST

(SCREWS HIS FACE, LOOKS TO THE FLOOR, THEN LOOKS UP)

Well not quite. There are still loads of tests that we can carry out. We will also be sending samples from the buses to the government's nuclear researchers at AEA at Harwell, and to the government's metal fatigue standards testing laboratory.

The two men walk past benches at which scientists are labouring. In the background it can be seen that they are fitting a new steering system to one of the buses.

SCIENTIST

Here we are going to continue with our work to find out just how far these things can bend, and hopefully we will get some answers from such extreme situations.

We are also bringing in a large Tesla magnet from Imperial's physics department, and applying that to some samples may also yield some answers.

POLICEMAN

Okay, I'll leave you lot to it. Do please give me a bell when and if you get any news. I have to report to the Prime Minister's office every hour.

SCIENTIST

We're doing our best for you, to be sure.

The POLICEMAN takes a look all around him as he leaves. Slightly awed, slightly sceptical.

A junior TECHNICIAN approaches the senior SCIENTIST. The TECHNICIAN is holding some strips of metal cut from one of the buses. They are about 15 inches long and one inch wide.

CONTINUED:

SC 1/15. CONTINUED.

TECHNICIAN - Young eager man in spotlessly clean white lab coat.

TECHNICIAN

Here are the strip-samples you wanted.

SCIENTIST

Hmmpf, roughly cut with an angle grinder, I see. I wonder if the heat generated from the cutting process is going to affect our results.

Anyway, a despatch rider from the couriers will be here soon. Wrap two of these in bubble wrap and give them to him when he arrives. The address for delivery is on this card.

(HANDS A BUSINESS CARD TO THE TECHNICIAN)

TECHNICIAN

Okay. The only other way to cut this bus up is with a torch, but that will only have  a more pronounced heating effect. I don't see how else it can be done.

SCIENTIST

Yes, you are right. I suppose it could be done with hydraulic shears like the fire brigade use to open smashed cars, but what the he...

The conversation is rudely interrupted by a commotion from behind them. The camera pans round to see one of the buses being pushed into a completely circular posture.

Scientists are gawping in wonder at why the bus hasn't slumped to the floor at the side of the circle across from where all the wheels now are.

The SCIENTIST and TECHNICIAN go over to look for themselves. The whole side of the bus seems to be levitating. The two men bend low and look at each other across the void that the bus should have fallen into.

CONTINUED:

SC 1/15. CONTINUED.

A man in a white coat boards the bus, and walks about halfway around the tight circle. Inside the bus is perfectly straight but the view out of the windows is compressed; outside the man is seen walking around a circle. Then he jumps up and down. The suspension flexes, but the bus does not list at all.

The senior SCIENTIST gets up from his squatting position under the bus, and scratches his head.

SCIENTIST

(TO HIMSELF, ALOUD)

What the heck is going on?

CUT TO:

SC 1/16.   EXT.    LONDON STREET (2).    NIGHT 1.    2100.

Busy London street. Lots of cars and bending buses. Lots of clubbers, all talking about the bending buses. All dressed to impress.

The two defenders stare incredulously at some of the outfits passing them by.

SLOW FADE TO:

SC 1/17.     EXT.    LONDON STREET (3).    NIGHT 1.     0100.

Dark and clear night. Somewhere in semi-suburbia. The streets are completely quiet, no night clubs around here.

GEORGE

We haven't seen a bus for ages. Where could they have all gone?

ARTHUR

Dunno. Perhaps it is the same place that all the people go. Or perhaps there are big warehouses for buses and ones for people, like the one we saw earlier for the little ones.

GEORGE

Hmmpf. Perhaps we should go back to that warehouse and observe how life goes on there.

ARTHUR nods, and both men change direction and walk away down the street.

SLOW FADE TO:

SC 1/18.     EXT.   OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL.     NIGHT 1.  0400.

The two defenders are standing a small distance from the school gates, watching. Everything is still and silent.

SLOW FADE TO:

SC 1/19.    EXT.    AT THE SCHOOL GATES.     DAY 2.  0900.

ARTHUR and GEORGE are still standing across the street from the school gates. Children are starting to arrive. The TEACHER comes out of the building, and stands sentry at the gate.

The TEACHER is greeting the children and their parents as they arrive.

The TEACHER notices ARTHUR and GEORGE, but does not do anything yet, just becomes more vigilant.

ARTHUR

(TO GEORGE)

That man's seen us. Let us go and have a talk with him.

GEORGE

Okay, I've had enough of standing around here anyway.

ARTHUR and GEORGE walk across the road dodging cars (the school run is in full swing), first to the middle, and then finally make it to the other side.

The TEACHER sees them approaching, and straightens up. The children all around are jabbering about bending buses. TOMMY is lurking in the background with some friends.

TEACHER

Hello, what do you want now?

ARTHUR

Do you mind if we ask you a question?

TEACHER

I am rather busy. If I catch you loitering around the school premises again I'll call the police.

ARTHUR

Whoa...  we're not here to do you any harm. We're not from round here, you see, and we're somewhat lost.

CONTINUED:

SC 1/19. CONTINUED.

TEACHER

No kidding. Where do you want to go?

ARTHUR

Actually, we're looking for a couple of friends of ours. They are the ones who kicked that bus yesterday. Can you tell us where the buses go at night?

TEACHER

(NARROWS HIS EYES, PAUSES FOR THOUGHT)

I'm warning you, if there's any funny business I'm calling the cops. (PAUSE). There is a bus station on Croaker Road, over in Islington. Now go away and don't come back.

ARTHUR

Thank you very much.

TOMMY gingerly takes a step into the foreground. He catches ARTHUR just as he is turning away from the TEACHER.

TOMMY

Excuse me. Do you know something about the bending buses? Can you make them straight again?

GEORGE

Hello there, little man. I'm afraid I know nothing ab...

TOMMY

(PULLS A MODEL BUS FROM HIS POCKET, AND INTERRUPTS)

Can you fix my bus? What is the matter with it?

TOMMY holds out his model in front of him, and as he does so the bus flops to one side, and then to the other.

CONTINUED:

SC 1/19. CONTINUED.

ARTHUR

(MUSING ALOUD)

Oh heck, looks like we've got more trouble than we thought.

GEORGE

(THINKING ON HIS FEET, TO TOMMY)

Oh, I don't know. Tell you what, before you put the little bus away in its depot tonight, you should make sure it is straight by tying some sticks to it, one along each side.

Actually, the bus should go somewhere very cold - do you have a freezer at home?

TOMMY

Yes, of course.

GEORGE

Okay, well put it in there then, and then hopefully in the morning it will be frozen in the straight position again.

ARTHUR

(TO TEACHER)

How might we find this bus depot?

TEACHER

(BECOMING IRATE)

I don't know, ask a policeman.

ARTHUR

(TO TEACHER)

Thanks again.

(TO GEORGE)

Come on, let's go.

CUT TO:

SC 1/20.   EXT.    OUTSIDE THE FENCING OF A BUS DEPOT.     NIGHT 2. 0100

It is the middle of a dry, warm moonlit night. ARTHUR and GEORGE have approached the perimeter fence of a bus depot, and are looking in towards a small Portakabin in which the night watchman is snoozing.

ARTHUR

(WHISPERS)

The night watchman is sleeping. I will enclose the cabin in a reality freeze, he will never know we were here.

ARTHUR extends a pointed finger towards the cabin. A stream of blue light bridges the gulf, and the cabin is left in a state of complete black.

ARTHUR

Now, get up over this fence, and if any dogs or other security guards come along I'll life-freeze them.

GEORGE

(OUT LOUD)

You must be kidding. These earthlings might be massively restrained but I'm taking the easy route.

GEORGE walks straight through the mesh fencing.

ARTHUR

(STILL WHISPERING)

Shucks man. If there does happen to be any more surveillance around here, someone will have just seen you do the impossible. Can't you be just a bit careful?

GEORGE

(LOUD AND SARCASTIC)

Well, now it's your turn to get over here. Do so however you please, but don't make too much noise or someone will be sure to hear us, if they are around.

CONTINUED:

SC 1/20. CONTINUED.

ARTHUR

Well, since you've already done the potential damage, there's no point in me being careful, is there?

ARTHUR walks casually through the fence.

ARTHUR and GEORGE walk half-bent across a large yard to the sheds. On their way across two alsatians come charging at them, barking like mad. ARTHUR extends a finger, and freezes the dogs mid-stride. The two men wait for a few seconds to see if anyone was attending to the dogs.

Everything is calm, ARTHUR and GEORGE continue their way across the yard.

The outside door to the shed is locked; GEORGE rattles it.

ARTHUR

(THOUGHTFUL)

Hmm, problem. I guess we can get a key from the night watchman's hut.

GEORGE

O heck, forget it will you, I'm going in.

ARTHUR

No, wait a minute. There might be someone inside. We don't want to take the risk of being seen walking through locked doors.

GEORGE

If there is they would already have been alerted by the dogs, and we would know they are there.

ARTHUR

They might have been alerted, and they might now be cowering inside so they can jump us when we enter.

CONTINUED:

SC 1/20. CONTINUED.

GEORGE

Have you been watching them two-dee motion picture things they have here? The real world isn't like that. If there is someone inside they would have called out by now.

GEORGE walks through the locked door.

ARTHUR

(TO HIMSELF)

And he's telling me how the real world is!

ARTHUR walks through the locked door.

HARD CUT TO:

SC 1/21.     INT.      THE BUS SHED.      NIGHT 2. 0115.

The two men are inside a large building, which is currently pitch black. A flash of blue shoots out from one of the men, spreads out over all the walls and leaves the depot bathed in a soothing blue light.

ARTHUR

Well, you can be as reckless as you want now. I've isolated the physicality of the interior of this building from the outside, so no one will  be able to tell we're in here.

GEORGE

(DELIBERATELY PATRONIZING)

Well done that man.

They are inside a shed lined on two sides with rows of double-decker buses. About thirty on each side, all parked about two metres apart. The far end of the shed is a dirty, solid brick wall, with junk, tools, engine parts scattered about its base.

GEORGE

Now, you go and get one of those buses running, and bring it out into the middle of the room. I'll use some of my magic and fabricate a dolly so that we can pull the back of the bus from side to side.

ARTHUR

Okay.

ARTHUR climbs into a bus and starts it up (presumably with some of his magic). He pulls it out of its parking bay into the middle of the space, leaving it in a bent state.

In the meantime, GEORGE has walked almost to the far end of the shed. With a wave of his hands, and some flashes of his shade of blue light, a dolly appears in front of him. This looks like a trailer for a boat, except that the wheels on either side point sideways instead of forwards, and there are handles at the sides.

GEORGE wheels the structure sideways until it is close to the back of the bus, and then man-handles it so that it finishes up sitting right behind the rear wheels.

CONTINUED:

SC 1/21. CONTINUED.

GEORGE

(SHOUTS)

Okay Arthur, back up slowly, until I say stop.

GEORGE has stepped back from the contraption, and ARTHUR backs the bus up. It mounts the frame between the wheels of the dolly, and as it climbs the little ramp the trolley tilts back, so that the bus is held between two cross-members. GEORGE does not need to tell ARTHUR to stop, he can tell by the feel of the bus that it has parked correctly on the dolly.

ARTHUR leaves the engine running, but dismounts from the bus and comes to join GEORGE round the back end. GEORGE in the meantime is sizing up the curvature of the bus, and making mental calculations.

GEORGE

Okay, this bus is now bending to the left fifteen degrees. We will kick it straight, then push it under a removed reality fifteen degrees to the right, and then kick it straight again in the opposite direction in this reality. This way, the effect of the reality change on the rest of the buses will be neutral. If this bus responds to the effects of de-bending, then we will have successfully restored the former reality on this diminutive world. Agreed?

ARTHUR

(UNTHINKING)

Yep, let's do it.

GEORGE walks down the convex curved flank of the bus to its midpoint, and, preceded with a pre-emptive daft dance, gives it a big, calculated theatrical kick. The bus duly straightens out. In a domino fashion, all the other buses in the depot buckle to the side, starting with the ones at the end of one of the rows, and then proceeding clockwise around the building. Each bus buckles with a huge lurch and a tremendous crashing sound. The whole lot go in the space of about fifteen seconds. The whole place reverberates and trembles with aftershocks.

CONTINUED:

SC 1/21. CONTINUED.

ARTHUR looks about the place with some trepidation as the noise dies down.

ARTHUR

Jesus, I hope we are going to leave these things in working order when we are done.

GEORGE

If you have any suggestions then just let me know. In the meantime, let's see if we can get the bend back into the bus from the other direction.

The two of them go to the back of the bus. ARTHUR takes hold of a handle at the side of the dolly, and GEORGE stands looking down the flank of the bus. GEORGE extends the fingers of his hand, and the effect of the blue haze extends the length of the bus, fading towards the front.

ARTHUR pulls impulsively on the dolly, each time jerking the back of the bus a little to the side.

ARTHUR

(PANTING)

How am I doing? Nearly there?

GEORGE

Keep going a little further.

ARTHUR gives a couple more hard tugs.

GEORGE

Just a little further.

One more tug.

GEORGE

Okay, that's it. Wasn't too difficult, was it?

CONTINUED:

SC 1/21. CONTINUED.

ARTHUR

(SHORT OF BREATH)

Huh, you should try next time. It's a pity we have to physically bend the thing, but it's the only way we will restore the original reality. Now, give it a kick.

GEORGE walks to the centre of the bus on the other side (now convex). ARTHUR follows him around to the other side, and stands back a little. With the same calculated, theatrical act, the bus is kicked back to being straight. As before, all the buses in the depot jump and crash, one after the other, changing their bends.

The reverberations decay after some time, and GEORGE once again looks round with some trepidation. The two men have satisfied looks on their faces to begin with, but GEORGE's smile disappears as he realizes all is not well.

He walks slowly over to the nearest bus, and squints along its flank. There is a subtle curve left.

ARTHUR does the same with a bus at the other side of the depot.

GEORGE walks halfway down the length of his bus, and gives it a little kick. A ripple of thunder runs clockwise around the room as all the other buses respond. ARTHUR is almost crushed between the two buses he is stood between. All the buses are now bent too far the other way.

ARTHUR

You idiot, you nearly killed me. We are mortal in this state, you know. And you've gone and made everything worse.

GEORGE

You put it right, clever clogs.

GEORGE then kicks his bus back towards straight. Again, a ripple of thunder around the garage. All the buses appear straight, but then GEORGE moves tentatively towards the bus in the middle; it is still bent.

CONTINUED:

SC 1/21. CONTINUED.

There follows a comical scene where both men vent their frustrations by kicking buses this way and that, and never quite getting everything right. Lots of thunder and blue lightning.

GEORGE

This is not working. There must be some missing mass from this bus. We cannot completely compensate for the original bending.

ARTHUR

Sure we can, we just need to be a little patient and carry on the work we started.

ARTHUR starts to move back to the dolly at the back, to make another adjustment.

GEORGE

No, it won't work. No matter how hard we try, if we get all the buses back to being straight, they will still bend when they go round corners. To make them all straight and rigid, we have to get this bus back into exactly the same state it was in when it was first bent.

ARTHUR

Presumably that means we have to find out how much fuel was in the tank, make sure the engine is at the right temperature, get all the original passengers on board...

GEORGE

No, it is only the physical mass of the solid bus that counts here. There must be some part of it that has been taken away. We must find that woman  who saw the original incident, the one we saw in the history replay unit in the shop, and see if she can remember anything from that time.

ARTHUR

Okay, I'll put the bus back in its bay and we'll get out of here.

CONTINUED:

SC 1/21. CONTINUED.

GEORGE moves towards the back of the bus, and with a flick of his wrists makes the dolly disappear, dropping the bus straight onto the concrete floor. ARTHUR starts to move the bus to its parking bay.

SLOW FADE TO:

SC 1/22.     EXT.      AT THE SCHOOL GATES AGAIN.      DAY 3. 0900.

ARTHUR and GEORGE are walking up the hill towards the school gates, where they are intercepted by TOMMY.

TOMMY

Oy! Hello! I put my bus in the freezer last night like you told me to but it is still floppy! Look! (SHOWS THE BUS) Why?

GEORGE

Hello again. I'm sorry about your bus. We are working on the problem, that is why we have come to see your teacher. You will have to do the same thing tonight - tie two splints to the sides of your bus and make sure it is nice and straight, and then put it in the freezer and in the morning everything will be okay, promise.

TEACHER

(COMING DOWN THE HILL)

Oy! You two! I told you to stop pestering the kids round here. What are you after?

ARTHUR

Please, we mean no harm. We need your help again. We'd be ever so grateful.

TEACHER

(TO THE KIDS)

Run along now you lot. Get into school.

(TO ARTHUR)

I warned you two I'd call the police if I caught you round here again. Now please go away, and don't come back.

ARTHUR

Please, help us just once more. We have to locate the woman in the news footage who first saw the buses bend. Helen James her name was. How can we do that?

CONTINUED:

SC 1/22. CONTINUED.

TEACHER

I don't know, now go away or I'll call the police.

ARTHUR

Please, is there a directory of citizens around here? We must find her. Help us with this and you'll never see us again.

TEACHER

Well there's the electoral register, and there's the 'phone book.

ARTHUR

(SNAPPY)

Where are they?

TEACHER

The electoral register is held at the Town Hall, and 'phone books are everywhere. (HESITATES) There's one in the school.

ARTHUR

Show us, please. This is important.

TEACHER

(LOOKS INDIGNANT)

Okay, but then I want you well away from the premises, alright?

ARTHUR

Alright.

CUT TO:

SC 1/23.     INT.    AN OFFICE INSIDE THE SCHOOL.      DAY 3. 0920.

The TEACHER gets a telephone book off a shelf behind a desk. He starts to thumb through it. ARTHUR and GEORGE look over the top of the book, as if they are taking it all in.

TEACHER

James you say? There'll be hundreds of them in here. Lucky you know the first name, that'll narrow it down a bit but not if the telephone is registered only in the husband's name.

Here we are. James. Like I said, there's hundreds of them.

GEORGE

Let us have a look.

GEORGE takes the book and holds it so that ARTHUR can see. They both have a quick glance, turn the page, glance some more, and then GEORGE snaps the book closed and hands it back.

GEORGE

Thank you very much.

TEACHER

(SUDDENLY DEFENSIVE)

Hey, what is this? What do you want? Get out now!! I'm calling the police!

ARTHUR

What's up? You've shown us what we wanted to see. All's well, no?

TEACHER

You didn't wanna see the book. You didn't look at it.

ARTHUR raises a hand towards the TEACHER, who goes quiet. He turns to GEORGE to speak softly. A faint line of blue light bridges the gap between Arthur and George's heads.

CONTINUED:

SC 1/23. CONTINUED.

ARTHUR

We are going to have to risk making some small disturbances in the atmosphere. Hopefully it will do no more than create some strange light effects as some atoms collapse. We might as well do it here as more than just this human is going to witness something. Agreed?

GEORGE

(DOUBTFUL)

Agreed.

ARTHUR and GEORGE turn to look at the TEACHER, who looks bewildered. They then disintegrate into thin strips of blue light, which fly off in all directions, and half a second later return and reform the two men.

The TEACHER gawps like a goldfish.

ARTHUR smiles at the teacher.

ARTHUR

(TO GEORGE)

Did you find her?

GEORGE

Yep.

ARTHUR

(TO TEACHER)

It is alright. We have found what we are looking for. Thanks heaps for your help, we could not have done it without you.

After a short pause, ARTHUR and GEORGE turn and leave quietly, leaving the TEACHER alone, still gawping.

CUT TO:

SC 1/24.     EXT.       FRONT DOOR OF SEMI IN SUBURBIA.      DAY 3. 1200.

ARTHUR finds the door bell push at the front door and sounds the bell. From inside the house comes the sound of barking dogs, and after a short delay the door is opened by MRS HELEN JAMES.

MRS JAMES - Middle aged, middle class. Average height. Brown hair, brown eyes. Wearing a white blouse over a fawn skirt.

MRS JAMES

Oh, hello. How can I help?

GEORGE

It's Mrs James, isn't it?

MRS JAMES

Yes.

GEORGE

We saw you on the news footage today, about the guy who kicked the bus. Do you mind if we ask you about that?

MRS JAMES

I don't think I can tell you anything that you have not already heard. I told the journalists everything I saw at the time.

GEORGE

At the time, yes. Did you see anything after the event? Did the two men do anything to the bus after one of them kicked it?

MRS JAMES

No, I don't remember they did.

GEORGE

You sure you don't remember seeing one of them remove anything from the bus? Or perhaps you might have noticed some strange flashes of light... red or green perhaps?

CONTINUED:

SC 1/24. CONTINUED.

MRS JAMES

No I didn't. Who are you?

GEORGE

(COMING ON STRONGER)

We're relatives of the two men, and we are very concerned for their safety. Can you remember if anything fell off the bus after the incident, and was left behind on the road afterwards?

MRS JAMES

(BECOMING ANXIOUS)

No. Wait. I did notice that one of the men had something shiny in his hand when he left the scene. At the time it caught the corner of my eye, but I just thought it was something he already had on him, a large piece of jewelry, perhaps.

ARTHUR

How big was it? What did it look like?

MRS JAMES

(FLUSTERED)

Oh, I don't know. About the size of his hand I would guess. Silver it was, shiny silver. That's all I know.

ARTHUR

The fuel cap! George, did you notice the fuel cap was missing on that bus last night?

GEORGE

Thank you for your help, Mrs James. You have been most kind. Sorry to have disturbed you.

MRS JAMES

(ALREADY CLOSING THE DOOR)

It's okay, bye now.

CONTINUED:

SC 1/24. CONTINUED.

GEORGE

Bye.

The two men walk away from the house.

GEORGE

Did you notice the fuel cap was missing last night?

ARTHUR

No. But then again, I don't remember seeing it, either. However, they do match the description that lady gave, and the mass of it would explain why we couldn't quite straighten out all the buses.

GEORGE

Okay. We'll have to go back to the depot tonight and see if we can find a spare fuel cap. Hopefully then we can get this blasted mess sorted out once and for all.

CUT TO:

SC 1/25.    INT.     INSIDE THE BUS SHED      NIGHT 3    0200

The two are back inside the shed. The number 56 bus has already been pulled out of its parking bay and is propped on a dolly in the middle of the space. GEORGE is just dismounting from the cab. ARTHUR is looking around at the back of the shed amidst the junk.

GEORGE

Have you found one yet?

ARTHUR

No, but there's everything but kitchen sinks here. There must be one somewhere.

GEORGE taps the bus close to the open fuel inlet hole as he walks past.

He stops to take a wide view of the collection of junk.

He moves into the junk, and starts looking as well.

ARTHUR

(HOLDS UP A FILLER CAP)

Here we are! I've found one!

GEORGE

Excellent! Let's get this bus sorted out.

They both move to the back of the bus. ARTHUR refits the cap, GEORGE sizes up the curvature of the flanks.

GEORGE

Right, we shove this back to five degrees left, then kick it straight, then five degrees right, and kick it again. Right?

ARTHUR

(NODS HIS AGREEMENT)

Right.

ARTHUR takes hold of the dolly, and gives it a couple of shoves inwards while GEORGE continues to size up the situation.

GEORGE

Once more.

CONTINUED:

SC 1/25. CONTINUED.

Another shove, and then ARTHUR walks down the flank of the bus and gives it a theatrical kick. Thunder rattles all around them.

ARTHUR takes hold of the dolly again, and yanks it towards himself this time.

GEORGE gives the okay, and the two of them walk to the other side of the bus. GEORGE takes up his place where he can squint down the flank, and ARTHUR goes mid-ships ready for another kick.

GEORGE

Here we go, this is it, do it right.

ARTHUR

(CONCENTRATING HARD)

Don't you worry about that.

ARTHUR performs a delicate dance, takes a couple of practice swings at the side of the bus, and then theatrically kicks it.

Thunder and strong blue lightning roll around ARTHUR and GEORGE, as they look at each other expectantly.

The reverberations die away. ARTHUR and GEORGE look around. Everything seems to be good.

ARTHUR snaps his fingers and the dolly disappears in a cloud of blue. The bus drops to the floor.

GEORGE goes to the cab, starts the engine, and drives off to one side. The bus stays straight.

ARTHUR

(JUBILANT)

We did it! We did it!

GEORGE

(OUT THE WINDOW, COWBOY STYLE)

Yeeee-hahhhh!

SLOW CUT TO:

SC 1/26.    INT.       INSIDE THE BUS SHED       DAY 5. 0500.

The drivers are just turning up for work. Small clusters of them can be seen walking towards the depot. Others are coming out of an office and walking towards their bus. One of them, HENRY, has climbed inside the cab and is preparing to start up.

HENRY - relatively brainless bus driver in full but untidy uniform.

HENRY starts to pull his bus out of the parking bay. Early, he steers left and the side of his bus scrapes against the corner of the bus next to it.

A cluster of drivers walking across the yard look around at the commotion. One of the cluster is JOE.

JOE - past middle-aged under-achiever. Full bus uniform, casual but tidy.

JOE

What's that silly bugger up to now? (SILENT PAUSE) Oh, heck, don't tell me the buses have gone back to normal. I liked them the way they were.

HENRY gets out of the bus, and looks at the flank.

HENRY

It didn't bend! I didn't do anything it just didn't bend!

A posse of drivers walk gingerly to their buses. They are seen to carefully drive them forward. In the middle distance, a bus scrapes against the side of the exit from the depot.

CUT TO:

SC 1/ 27       EXT.        STREETS OF LONDON.         DAY 5. 0630.

It is a fine, bright, early morning in the middle of June. The streets are quiet, but there are council workers sweeping the pavements, delivery lorries and road sweepers moving along the road. A single bus is approaching a side road and indicating to turn in. The driver is HENRY. A council worker called BILL is sweeping the corner of the street with an oversized yard brush. BILL is concentrating on his work, looking down at the pavement. The bus starts to turn the corner, but undercuts and the rear wheel mounts the curb, driving straight over BILL's broom breaking the handle.

BILL jumps back, only now noticing the bus.

HENRY felt the bus lift onto the pavement, sees BILL's reaction in his side-view mirror. He stops the bus immediately and jumps out, runs towards BILL.

HENRY

You alright mate? I'm so sorry. The buses 've gone back.

BILL

You nearly killed me you idiot. What you mean the buses 'ave gone back?

HENRY

They're all rigid again. Look, its straight but wheels are turned (POINTS TO THE FRONT OF HIS BUS).

BILL and HENRY exchange blank glances.

CUT TO:

SC 1/28.        INT.       TOMMY'S KITCHEN.          DAY 5. 0645.

Tommy, wearing his pyjamas, enters the kitchen bleary-eyed. His FATHER is getting the breakfast things out of a cupboard.

FATHER - unwashed, unbrushed, day's worth of stubble on his chin. Baggy jeans, shirt hanging loose.

FATHER

Morning Tommy.

TOMMY

(LACKLUSTER)

Morning dad.

(PERKS UP)

How's my bus?

FATHER

Dunno, haven't looked.

TOMMY goes to the refrigerator and takes his toy bus out. He clumsily undoes the bandages and the splints fall away. He tries, gingerly at first, to make the bus bend. It is solid.

TOMMY

It is frozen.

His FATHER looks around. His attention focuses on the television.

CONTINUED:

SC 1/28. CONTINUED.

TELEVISION PRESENTER O.O.V.

It seems that the strange phenomenon of the bending buses is now over. This has, however, caused more problems than it solved. Numerous accidents have been reported up and down the country, from people being run over by the back-end of a bus, to street lights and bus stops being demolished.

A spokesperson for London Transport said that there is not a single bus without damage to the near-side, and that an immediate program of driver re-training would be underway.

Joe Truchard is at the London Transport headquarters.

TELEVISION REPORTER O.O.V.

Yes John, just to confirm the chief executive of London transport has said that driver training is being given as we speak. He said earlier today that any driver causing damage to the buses will pay for the repairs out of his own wage. However, this was quickly dismissed when the Prime Minister intervened shortly afterwards, and said that there could be no recriminations against the drivers. He announced a package of five million pounds to meet compensation claims.

TELEVISION PRESENTER O.O.V.

What did London Transport have to say about the return of buses to their normal rigidity?

CONTINUED:

SC 1/28. CONTINUED.

TELEVISION REPORTER O.O.V.

Well, they say they are as baffled as everyone else as to why, or even how, this has happened. They say that they have made a very careful examination of a small handful of buses which have returned to the depot, and they can see nothing about the buses that has altered.

We should also remember that some buses were given to Imperial College for study when the bendiness first started to happen. Scientists working there say they have also observed the stiffening of their specimen buses, but they too are mystified as to what has caused the change in the properties.

TELEVISION PRESENTER O.O.V.

Let us now remind ourselves of the news stories which have been created by the outbreak of bending buses...

TOMMY looks at his father.

FATHER

We did it son, everything is back to normal.

TOMMY

(THRUSTS HIS HANDS ABOVE HIS HEAD)

Yeah, we did it.

CUT TO:

SC 1/29.       INT        OUTSIDE IN LONDON.         DAY 5. 0700.

ARTHUR and GEORGE are bouncing down the street, sniffing the air and looking self-satisfied. Buses are moving rigidly past them.

GEORGE

Looks like we did it. All the physical constants are at their expected values, and I sense a feeling of relief from all the people of this planet.

ARTHUR

Yep, me too. I also sense the continuing presence of those two good-for-nothing rascals. We will have to find them before they do any more harm.

GEORGE

Bah, they're just boys playing. There was no lasting harm done in the end and I'm sure we'll be able to keep them out of trouble. Besides, I've rather enjoyed watching the confusion of this simple material race deal with such trivial problems. I'm looking forward to seeing what the boys do next.

FADE TO:

SC 1/30.         CGI           THE EARTH SHRINKS INTO SPACE

The camera zooms away from the ground, through the clouds, and then continues to recede, earth getting smaller and smaller. The credits roll over the scene.

End of Episode.